i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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