She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
