She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
