theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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