I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
