At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
