Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
