When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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