Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
