you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
