i need an iv and a liver transplant
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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