Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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