the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
