Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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