She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
