You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
