My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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