I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
