bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
