i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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