Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
