I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Quick, to the slutcave!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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