Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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