Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
