i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
