u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
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I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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