I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
