Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
did you just send me my own nude
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
