I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
