I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
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please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
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I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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