Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
