I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
