the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
