She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
