u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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