Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
