Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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