Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
