im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm always down for nudity.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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