Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
