All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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