Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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