Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
