Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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