I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
