her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
