Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
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You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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