My hand turned me down
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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