I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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