He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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