1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
