Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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