Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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