i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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