she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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