I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Green mimosas i think yes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
