I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
