My Higher Power is John Stamos
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
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