Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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