We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
