apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
